Grace Efezokhae: The Virginity Issue

There is a virginity tradition in Yoruba land called Asa Ibile (It is no longer practiced as before). It is a virginity test where the bride goes in with the groom on their wedding night with a white piece of cloth.

Later on that night after intimacy, if the bride is a virgin, she gets gifts of high value from both families and a symbolic message of white cloth with blood stains sent to her family, which is received with joy. But, on the other hand, if the bride fails, a euphemistic message of half boiled/roasted yam is sent to the bride’s family and she will be deemed to have brought shame to her family. And for life the bride will live with the shame that comes with the first night incident in her matrimonial home. No one ever questions the virginity of the man. I beg to digress.

I read the story of Andrea and her vagnitimus issue on BellaNaija and the comments that followed amazed me. People seem to think virginity is synonymous with timidity, frigidity and naivety. Being a virgin in this time and age still rocks. Even if one’s virginity may have been lost through sexual abuse, a decision to be celibate till marriage is highly respected. No matter how abstinence needs to be preached by religious organizations, the fact that sex is pleasurable in marriage should be preached and emphasised greatly. I read personal experiences of virgins getting married and they have the fear of having sex or getting frightened by the size of their husband’s penis.

I have read enough stories in my single life to let me know that SEX is one of the major challenges faced by marriages today ranging from boring sex lives, unwillingness of a couple in trying out new sexual tricks amongst others. Pre-marital counselling should get really detailed about having a loving sex life when married. I just wonder why people get so spiritual about talking about having a healthy sex life. In fact there was a time at the salon, a lady just felt embarrassed hearing the word “breast”. I just wonder how uncomfortable she would have been if she heard the word “sex”.

We were all born virgins, no one was born a sex expert. Even the so called experienced people learnt over time. It’s even possible to spend years doing the wrong thing or going about things the wrong way and keep telling yourself you are a pro.

No woman should be judged based on her virginity. Virginity is not a guarantee for a great sex life while married and even having a great marital life. Virgin or no virgin, Knowledge on sex and everything about it is very important. When married, be open to learn. Communication with your spouse is also very important and a balanced mindset on sex matters is crucial. I will be highly surprised if I hear an intending couple who have been waiting for their wedding night to not have talked about their sexual expectations from each other or even made any reparations at all. That, in my opinion, is disastrous.

Knowledge is POWER, get all you can. Experience isn’t always the best teacher and pornography is not of a means of getting this information.

The whole natural difficulties that we hear of virgins on their wedding night shouldn’t deter you from keeping yours. Keep on keeping on. Being a virgin does not guarantee a happily ever after. There are many other factors that keep a marriage, being a virgin is just one out of a billion factors. What matters most is that you both love, understand and respect each other.